A few weeks ago, I watched a report on CBS Sunday Morning about "A Complaint Free World" started by a Unity minister, Will
Bowan. A simple sermon last year has turned into a world-wide movement to learn to stop complaining, wearing a purple bracelet that you switch to the other wrist every time you complain, and trying to go 21 days without switching the bracelet. Sounds easy.
I ordered the book and the bracelet, which arrived last Friday. The challenge is to recognize a complaint when it seems like just a casual remark, such as the weather being colder.
Reading the book has certainly helped me see the negative energy I put into complaining, criticizing, and gossiping. The more I do it, the more I attract things to complain about.
Will Bowen explains how we use complaining to get attention and sympathy. Okay, so maybe I already knew this. At least some part of me deep-down inside sensed it. As hard as it is to face this truth, I see now how my complaining has been my way of telling everyone how much I do for my writing group. Everyone knows if someone doesn't do their job, I'll end up doing it. This frustrates me to no end. But Bowen has helped me realize what I have gotten out of it. Martyrdom. Ugh. I hate admitting this. I also realize that talking about hours of answering emails is a defense mechanism -- implying that I am too busy to do put one more thing on my plate, so don't ask! Or, worse yet, implying that my work as a volunteer is more important than making a phone call to a friend. Ouch.
Bowen points out that complaining is also an excuse for not doing things, such as exercise. How many times have I allowed aches and pains to keep me from exercising when a good stretch from yoga would be the best thing for me? Or I complain about being tired when a short walk in the fresh air would
rejuvenate my energy.
Complaining also gives us the false feeling of being superior when we actually feel inferior. I complain that there's never enough time to get everything done for the writing group, let alone my personal responsibilities, so who has time to write a book? In reality, my message is: "Look at all that I must do for the chapter while everyone else gets to write books. Aren't I the noble one?" (Another ouch.)
I knew that gossiping was for people who have a need to feel better than others. Same for criticism. But I never thought that complaining was a way of trying to make myself look good. This is a real revelation to me.
Another revelation is the way I allow myself to be drawn into someone
else's complaining. I feel compelled to commiserate with them in order to help them feel better. The silent message is "There's nothing wrong with you because I am also miserable (anxious, worried, frustrated, financially strapped, etc.)." Sometimes we can go on and on about what is bothering us. Have you ever noticed, though -- the other person will often end the conversation with "I always feel so much better after talking to you"? That's because she has drawn on your positive energy (call it compassion or love or whatever) and left you drained. Or you have taken on her negative energy, which is even worse. But you helped her, right? And that was the point, right? Even if you had to sacrifice your own contented state of mind. Martyrdom strikes again! Ugh.
We've all heard "misery loves company." But often I don't want to join in their misery and yet fall into it anyway. No matter how much I resist, eventually I am swept up into a two-way "woe-is-me" conversation. I had not realized this is a natural phenomena called "entrainment" -- subconscious synchronization with another individual or group. Think of the clapping of an audience that falls into the same rhythm.
I realize I have joined in on someone
else's complaining as a way of bonding, showing our similarities, esp if our similarity is how frustrated we are with another person. Which is gossip, of course.
Gossip is a form of "triangulation" -- bringing a 3rd party into the issue when you should be addressing the person you are complaining about. Either go to that person with the problem or not, but it helps no one by discussing it with a 3rd person. It only builds more negativity into the situation and more to complain about.
I am only halfway through this little book, and it has already helped me to understand some of the ways that I complain without realizing it. Other times I was aware of it -- not always during but often afterward -- and yet I could not figure out how to stop myself. To add to the negative energy of complaining, I would then spend hours (days, even!) beating myself up for for not being able to stop my complaining and gossiping.
Now I have a method to stop. Now I can wear this purple bracelet to remind me that it is not only possible to quit complaining, criticizing and gossiping, but it vitally important to my mental, physical and emotional health and the health of everyone in my life. Being complaint free is my contribution to clean up this world of environmental toxins -- toxins to the ear, toxins to the air, toxins to my own thoughts and the thoughts of others.
Change the world one day at a time, one person at a time. Change starts with me.
To learn more, go to
http://www.acomplaintfreeworld.org/
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